Empty Nest Time
It’s nearly September, the A level results are sorted, the university offers made, and your teen is looking forward to the big move to a distant city. Part of you is excited for them, but your anxious part is waking in the middle of the night, heart pounding, wondering how the hell they will cope, without you picking up the pieces (literally and metaphorically).
When I went to university in the eighties, there were no mobile phones or internet, and my contact with home was a weekly call in a telephone box that stank of pee. My mum’s parting words to me were “don’t tell me everything, stay safe, but don’t give me the details”, so I never told her of the drunken nights I walked home alone through parkland and dimly lit streets. I never said I was living on chocolate bars and crisps, because I hated the huge, noisy canteen. I never said that I hated the course and thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
I am glad to say that my relationship with my own daughter was completely different, and she was able to have very frank conversations with me when things went wrong.
Today, smartphones have revolutionised the way we relate to each other, so what are the rules now? When can you expect a call? Should you text them weekly to check they are coping? You might glimpse their new life via Instagram or TikTok, and things might look great on the surface, but is that the full story?
The first term can be hard, trying to make new friends, grasping the challenges of a new course and tutors. Not to mention the money issues; the Student Money Survey (https://shorturl.at/OT0AV) found 22% of students regularly skipped meals to save money, and 18% of students used a food bank in the previous year.
These are tough times, so what can you do to support them on their new journey?
Negotiate how and when you will keep in touch, but don’t get upset if they forget occasionally.
Send them the odd ‘care package’, with their favourite treats and home comforts. I often ordered a supermarket delivery for my teen, with lots of basics like milk, bread and pasta.
Practice active listening, really pay attention when they call you, and ask open questions if you think they are struggling. Try not to dismiss their fears or tell them things will get better with time. Ask what you can do to help, but give them control over their situation, rather than trying to fix it.
Make sure they know they can call you, day or night, if things are tough.
Kooth (https://student.kooth.com/ ) is a good resource, with counsellors ready to chat online and support students who are struggling. There will also be a Student Support Services team on campus, they can be a great source of help for students.
If they really can’t cope, support them if they decide to come home - ‘dropping out’ might be the best solution for them at that time. Normalise that it’s OK to change course, in every sense of the word.
So much for supporting your teen on their new life path – what about you?
The mothering (or fathering) role that defined your life for 18 years or more is about to change forever. Whether this is your first, last or only child, the dynamics of your family can feel like they are shifting daily – what will this new world look like for you?
‘Empty nest syndrome’, whilst not a diagnosable condition, can leave you with sadness, anxiety and a loss of purpose. If you are going through the menopause and/ or looking after elderly relatives at this time, it can be a real challenge just to get through the day.
The good news is, if there are no underlying issues, most parents bounce back within a couple of months. This can be a great opportunity to reevaluate and think how you want this next period of your life to work out.
Here’s just a few suggestions of things you can think about doing:
Take an autumn holiday! It’s cheaper and less busy, plus everyone else’s kids are in school 😊.
Start an evening class – it can help you meet new people and could launch a new career (mine did!).
Make more of your hobby or crafting, now that you have time – it might even become a side hustle or new career.
Meet up with friends more often, grab a coffee or a meal, join a book group maybe?
Go back to the gym or join a new fitness class, or just get out and walk – exercise can really help lift your mood.
These are all positive ideas, but what if you continue to struggle? This can feel like ambiguous loss, like a real grieving process. What if your teen leaving home really exposes difficulties in your relationships? Being busy raising a family can distract you from underlying relationship issues or struggles with your own mental health. There is no shame in experiencing difficulties, but it doesn’t need to define your future.
This is a great time to get support from a therapist, either on your own or as a couple. There are many great therapists out there, and you can work face to face, online or by phone. Expect to pay from around £50-£70 a session, depending on what you want to work on and where you live. If you are struggling financially, speak to your GP about NHS Talking Therapies, where you can often be referred for free counselling, but there can be a long waiting list.
I started therapy when my daughter left home. As a single parent, I had been hyper-focused on getting her through GCSEs and A Levels, and supporting her through numerous health issues, then suddenly it was time for her to leave. This life stage coincided with being made redundant, moving house and other really difficult issues, so I chose to work with a therapist who helped me come to terms with these changes and look forward with confidence to my new life.
Maybe I can help you too? I am an experienced humanistic and empathic counsellor, with lived experience of this process. I really listen, support and validate your experiences, while you work out what you want to do with this next phase in your life. If you are curious about working with me, click here to book a free 20-minute, no obligation discussion.